Predictions for 2003

TONY Blair has been criticised for his gloomy New Year message. But perhaps 2003 won't be so bad after all.

Here are some lighter predictions for the New Year.

In the world of sport the Welsh Rugby Union will offer to sell the debt ridden Millennium Stadium to Sam Hammam for £1. Sam eventually knocks them down to 50p.

Meanwhile Rhodri Morgan will take over from David Moffatt as WRU Chief Executive after Moffatt's proposal for a provincial rugby team in Patagonia proves a financial disaster. Soon afterwards, all plans to reform Welsh rugby are ruined when unexpectedly Wales defeat England in the Six Nations.

In October Mark Hughes' Wales football team will qualify for the European Championship on goal difference, when in the last minute of the last match, an outrageous penalty decision goes in Wales' favour! The spot kick is converted by Robert Earnshaw of Division One leaders Cardiff City. Soon after John Fashanu and Sam Hammam agree to merge Barry Town and the Bluebirds into a new club named Bacardi City.

In the world of entertainment, Charlotte Church's rap album “Vice of an Angel” goes straight to number one.

In politics Cherie Blair is once again in the headlines day after day, when accusations emerge that she tried to purchase seven items, at the six items only check out at Tesco.

Iain Duncan Smith admits that not only did he add an extra letter ‘i' to Ian, but he left out the ‘r' after the ‘D' in Duncan. In the ensuing Tory leadership contest Ken Clarke defeats Theresa May when she answers a question about the Kashmir problem by suggesting it should be taken to the dry cleaners.

In local politics Council leader Russell Goodway agrees that he will no longer use the title Lord Mayor of Cardiff. Instead he is to be known as the Marquis of Bute.

There is a mix up in parliament between Jon Owen Jones' Bill to legalise cannabis and Alun Michael's Foxhunting Bill, so that it becomes legal to hunt foxes providing that you are too high to sit on a horse.

Following a second near death experience choking on a pretzel, US President George W Bush becomes a passionate advocate for peace, and invites Saddam Hussein to a friendly game of horseshoes on his Texas ranch. The gesture goes tragically wrong when CIA agents open fire claiming the horseshoe in Saddam's hands constitutes a weapon of mass destruction.
Meanwhile Gordon Brown announces that Britain has passed the five economic tests to join the Euro, and that there will therefore be referendum. The date for the vote is announced as May 1, 2025.

Finally Lembit Opik's prediction that earth will be destroyed by an asteroid comes true on 31 December, 2003. Sadly for Lembit, he does not get to collect his winnings from Jack Brown's the bookie.

Perhaps the Prime Minister is right and 2003 will be a tough year. Whatever it holds let's try to keep our sense of humour.